Saturday, January 24, 2009
well... exactly a week ago, my grandpa, the only one i've grown up with and acknowledge, passed away. and.. i guess it makes it very difficult for me to talk about it. my grandma's distraught about her loss, which everyone understands. but somehow, despite the response from family and friends, i cant find closure.
i'm sad to say that if someone asked me to pray to god about it, i'm gonna ask them to stick their advice in a place where the sun doesnt shine. cliche but true.
i've cried so much to the point where i sound and probably look like i'm in the midst of a panic attack but afterall the lonliness comes back. no, its not like i'm crazily close that i must see them at least once a week. but grandpa made me feel special, smart. i never had to feel stupid or inadequate because he isnt like my parents, particularly my mom who never fails to put me down at any chance.
you know.. until the casket was officially covered, i kept hoping and watching that it was all a bad joke. that my granddad would open his eyes and sit up. i was that much in denial.
grandpa was like the sun to me. a strong, confident, nearly blinding presence. but it gave you the sense of warmth and security. and until today i still think so. our family is like the stars and planets -all gravitating towards him, happy enough to be around. now that he's gone, its like we've been thrown into a limbo.
anyways i just wanted to thank some people in particular who were there for me during this particularly trying time.
1. Uncle Bala - No. 9 in the long line of granduncles and grandaunts yet he's the only one i've met who bores a nearly striking resemblance. he knew the right things to say, to help me accept my grief.
2. My Aunt Jane - Taking short snack breaks with me during the long days and even longer nights at the wake. Always so bubbly and cheerful. PLEASE GIVE ME A COUSIN to cuddle and care for!
3. Debs & Kat - For turning up at the wake. Just when I needed support, they came despite my extended family's not-so-open views on christianity.
4. WJ, Ryan, Kris, Nelly & Michelle - For maintaining what's left of my emotions in check. Comforting me, listening to all my ramblings. Trying to distract me by telling me loads of hilariously funny stories/adventures or bringing me out despite my unwillingness.
i'm sad to say that if someone asked me to pray to god about it, i'm gonna ask them to stick their advice in a place where the sun doesnt shine. cliche but true.
i've cried so much to the point where i sound and probably look like i'm in the midst of a panic attack but afterall the lonliness comes back. no, its not like i'm crazily close that i must see them at least once a week. but grandpa made me feel special, smart. i never had to feel stupid or inadequate because he isnt like my parents, particularly my mom who never fails to put me down at any chance.
you know.. until the casket was officially covered, i kept hoping and watching that it was all a bad joke. that my granddad would open his eyes and sit up. i was that much in denial.
grandpa was like the sun to me. a strong, confident, nearly blinding presence. but it gave you the sense of warmth and security. and until today i still think so. our family is like the stars and planets -all gravitating towards him, happy enough to be around. now that he's gone, its like we've been thrown into a limbo.
anyways i just wanted to thank some people in particular who were there for me during this particularly trying time.
1. Uncle Bala - No. 9 in the long line of granduncles and grandaunts yet he's the only one i've met who bores a nearly striking resemblance. he knew the right things to say, to help me accept my grief.
2. My Aunt Jane - Taking short snack breaks with me during the long days and even longer nights at the wake. Always so bubbly and cheerful. PLEASE GIVE ME A COUSIN to cuddle and care for!
3. Debs & Kat - For turning up at the wake. Just when I needed support, they came despite my extended family's not-so-open views on christianity.
4. WJ, Ryan, Kris, Nelly & Michelle - For maintaining what's left of my emotions in check. Comforting me, listening to all my ramblings. Trying to distract me by telling me loads of hilariously funny stories/adventures or bringing me out despite my unwillingness.
what we could have been, 2:11 am.
